


The Blaggard's Jewels

by the_secret_wordsmith



Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Attempt at Humor, Coffee, Coffee Shops, F/F, Fluff, Humor, Reunions, how many ways can i tag coffee, or at least
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:08:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28173687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_secret_wordsmith/pseuds/the_secret_wordsmith
Summary: Polly Perks now runs a coffee shop in Ankh-Morpork called the Blaggard's Jewels. The name, she is quick to testify, is a reference to coffee beans rather than anything more untoward.And on a rainy day with steamy windows, an old friend enters the shop...
Relationships: Maladict & Polly "Ozzer" Perks, Maladict/Polly "Ozzer" Perks
Comments: 4
Kudos: 17





	The Blaggard's Jewels

**Author's Note:**

> welcome to death by footnotes and no, i have no regrets[i]
> 
> [i]but she did

_**A Vampire Walks Into A Coffee Shop...** _

It was raining outside and the windows had steamed up again. Polly smiled at this: the shop was really taking off, packed full of satisfied customers breathing warm air against the cold glass windows at the front of the store.

Through the fogged glass, she could make out the dim silhouettes of figures hurrying along the street outside. The shop door jangled, and one of these indistinct figures entered, turning from blurry shape to recognisable individual. Polly looked to see who it was and her heart jumped into her mouth.

“Maladict?”

She took a steadying breath and walked round the long counter-top, coming out into the main floor and wending her way through the scattered tables and chattering customers to stand before the vampire.

The vampire, who blinked, dripping only minimally on the tiled floor, then grinned. A mousey looking man sipping a latte beside the door shifted his chair away from the teeth Maladict had revealed. But Polly didn't need to see the ribbon of the League of Temperance on her old friend's arm to know that she was still... er... not a killer.

“Fancy seeing you here,” Polly said and Maladict's grin widened. The mousey-looking man started coughing loudly.

“I could say the same,” Maladict replied, “I never thought you'd leave the Duchess.”

“What can I say?” Polly said, shrugging, “Ankh-Morpork is a city of opportunity.”

“I've been here half a day,” Maladict said as Polly led her over to an empty table near the back, “And opportunity is certainly not the word I'd use.”

Polly narrowed her eyes but ignored the jibe about her new home. Maladict sat down, her legs sticking out from beneath the table in a nonchalantly graceful way. Polly took a moment to take in Maladict's well-dressed form. She looked much as she'd always had, but instead of the red of the Borogrovian uniform, she was instead more traditionally dressed wearing trousers, a waistcoat and a long cloak, all black.

Polly had to admit that she looked good in it. But then, vampires tend to look good no matter what they're wearing.

“Enjoying the view?” Maladict was smirking now and Polly glowered, hastily taking a seat and waving one of her servers over to take their order.

“What do you want to drink?” Polly asked promptly as the boy came over.

“Just a coffee please.”

Polly and her server, a young lad called Dickery1 exchanged a look then Polly bit back her smirk and ordered for her coffee-addicted friend2.

“Just two double espressos.”

“Yes sir,” Dickery said and hurried away. Polly returned her gaze to Maladict, who was smirking again.

“Sir?”

“Well what would you have them call me?”

Maladict shrugged, “Polly.”

“Doesn't quite command respect though, does it?”

Maladict snorted, “Who cares about respect?”

“Hm,” Polly said, “I guess it's easy for you to say that.”

“And what's that supposed to mean?”

“Well look at you,” Polly said hotly and gestured to the handsome mess of elegant limbs and self-assured smirking that sat before her, “You don't need to worry about enforcing respect. You just have it.”

“Cos I'm a vampire?”

“No, cos you always floss.” Polly folded her arms and Maladict inclined her head in acquiesce.

There was an awkward moment of silence, broken by Dickery returning with their drinks. Maladict sipped hers and sighed in contentment. Polly rolled her eyes.

“You know, I do actually,” Maladict said as she put her coffee back down.

“Do what?”

“Floss.” She grinned, showing of her teeth. “Clean teeth are very important to vampires.”

“You know that drinking too much coffee can turn them brown,” Polly said, sipping at her own drink in as daintily a manner as possible. She put her cup back down and looked back to Maladict. Maladict, who was now staring at her coffee with deep suspicion.

“I'm pretty sure that only happens to humans...”

Polly sighed then reached across the table to take her friend's hand. “So what are you doing in Ankh-Morpork?”

Maladict blinked and looked down in surprise at where Polly's hand rested atop her own. “To see you of course.”

Now it was Polly's turn to blink. She felt warmth rushing to her face. Damn vampire charm! Though, and Polly didn't think too hard about this, the charm hadn't had nearly the same effect when she'd still thought Maladict might be male rather than female.

Maladict, apparently unaware of her effect on Polly, downed the rest of her drink then pulled the passing Dickery into her orbit with a smile so wide it caused the man at the next table to fall off his chair.

“I'll have two more of these.”

“Right up,” Dickery said, whisking the empty cups away with a flourish3.

Polly watched the boy disappear then sat back in her chair, pulling both her hands pointedly away from Maladict. She was probably giving away too much about her true feelings as it was.

“You came all the way from Borogravia to Ankh-Morpork to see me?”

“Yes.”

Polly frowned. She let her gaze drift from the disarmingly attractive vampire to the steamed up windows. Outside it was still raining. A thought struck her.

“Where are you staying?”

She looked back to her friend. Maladict was looking less elegantly nonchalant4.

Polly sat forwards and scrutinised her friend. “Maladict?”

The vampire cleared her throat5. “I was sort of hoping that maybe you, ever being the most hospitable of individuals and a true person of character and integrity, may perhaps find it in your ever charitable heart -”

“You want to stay with me.”

Maladict smiled. Polly sighed. She wasn't the sort of person to turn a friend away but Maladict was different, and not just because the only thing keeping her from becoming a blood-crazed monster was coffee, a brown liquid not drunk for its flavour.

Maladict did things to Polly's heart6 that were very confusing to say the least. Sometimes it was hard to think with Maladict around, looking like... well, a charming and dashing immortal being, and Polly needed to think. Ankh-Morpork, despite common misconception, was not a city for those unable to think.

But this was Maladict, and despite the things she did to Polly's heart7, or maybe because of it, Polly couldn't turn her away.

“Alright then,” she said as Dickery returned with fresh espressos.

Maladict grinned widely. “Yeah?”

Polly took a sip of coffee and nodded. “I've got a spare room upstairs. You can stay with me till we sort you out.”

Maladict reached across the table, ignoring her fresh coffee, and took Polly's free hand in both of her own. “Thanks Polly,” she said, eyes sparkling8

Polly put down her cup and stared at where her fingers were entwined with Maladict's atop the table. Her heart was doing that thing where it decided it's resting rate was for pansies and that real hearts made a loud noise about increasing their speed.

Polly took a shaky breath and looked up, staring at the elegantly sprawled out vampire across from her. Maladict cocked her head to one side and smiled.

Polly's heart fell over then got back up and continued running but significantly faster.

She'd thought she'd left chaos firmly behind in Borogravia, but clearly not. Here she was, after all, holding hands with a vampire in a steamy coffee-shop in Ankh-Morpork. What could possibly go wrong?

* * *

  1. Despite the name, I can assure you that his parents did love him.
  2. Polly's entire profit margins worked solely because people will pay double the price for coffee if they can use a lot of fancy and totally unnecessary words to describe their own unique mix of caffeine, milk and sugar. Of course, no one had told Maladict this.
  3. Flourishing empty cups is distinctly more possible than flourishing full cups.
  4. It is impossible for a vampire to look flustered so less nonchalant is the best they can do.
  5. Not the most comforting sound for anyone who prefers their blood inside their bodies.
  6. And other, less discussed, parts of her anatomy.
  7. And other parts.
  8. Not literally. Vampires don't sparkle despite what other, eh hm, _sources_ might say.



**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading friends. I'd love to hear your thoughts if you have time :D


End file.
